Inner Dialogue—Writing Character Thoughts

The topic of character thoughts has come up repeatedly for me in the last couple of weeks, and I promised to address punctuation for inner dialogue.

Inner dialogue is simply the speech of a character to himself. He hears it and the reader hears it, but other characters have no idea what’s going on in his head.

It’s the same for us and our thoughts. Unless we reveal them, no one knows what we’re thinking. In our worlds, however, even if we do reveal our thoughts, it’s likely that no one hears those thoughts uncensored. Lovers may share most of what they’re thinking, or an abusive parent might dump every thought on a child, but for the most part, men and women don’t share every thought. If they did, they’d be talking nonstop.

And they’d be opening up the very most intimate part of themselves. Most people simply don’t tell what they’re thinking, in full, to others. To do so would make them vulnerable, naked, without protection.

That’s a bit too much for any of us 3-dimensional people.

With characters, however, we get to listen in. And we hear not only passive thoughts—the stream of consciousness patter that flows through the mind—but deliberate dialogue—a character giving himself a pep-talk or talking himself into or out of particular actions.

Thought and inner dialogue give the reader insight he can’t get from watching a character’s actions from the outside.

Inner dialogue and thought reveal truth. They reveal darkness. They reveal hope or dreams or resignation.

They reveal emotions or beliefs too painful to be shared with other characters.

They reveal the heart. They reveal despair of the soul. They reveal strength of the spirit.

Thought and inner dialogue can be used to raise the emotional level of a scene. When we see a mother comforting her child, telling him all is well, and then we see into her thoughts, knowing that in truth she has no hope that all will be well, we feel her love for her child. We see her own feelings and the need she feels to protect her child from a painful truth.

Character thought can also lighten a scene. A man who’s holding back sarcasm or inappropriate humor may present a blank face to other characters but may reveal his irreverence to the reader.

What else can thought and inner dialogue do?

Thoughts and lectures to self allow readers insight into a character

They allow characters to be differentiated

They give characters an honest voice

They can reveal character motivation

They can slow the pace of a scene

They can reveal a character’s conflict between his inner man and the needs of others

So, how does the writer convey the thoughts and inner dialogue of a character?

First, the character must be the viewpoint character for a scene. Unless you’re writing from a completely omniscient viewpoint, which is quite unusual these days, you won’t be dipping into and out of every character’s head. And you certainly won’t be doing so within the same scene. So be sure we don’t get a thought from the dog when a couple is having a fight, not unless the dog is the viewpoint character for the scene.

Also, you’ll only want to reveal thoughts and inner dialogue that advance the plot. We don’t need to hear everything, just the good stuff. You could show random thoughts a time or two to establish the way a character thinks, but skip those kinds of thoughts for the most part. Give the reader thoughts that reveal the character and have bearing on the plot. Thoughts that up the emotional temperature for the reader.

In practical terms, try any of the following. But be selective: one option is likely to be a better choice than either of the others given the needs of a particular story and the effect you want or need to create. Option #3, writing thoughts without italics, makes for the least intrusive read and is likely the best choice for most of today’s writers and for most genres. It may not be perfect for every story, genre, and set of circumstances, but it will work for many. Especially for stories with deep POV, that very intimate third-person point of view.

1. Use italics and thought tags

For traditional third-person narration, you can use italics to indicate a character’s thoughts or inner dialogue. This sends an unambiguous signal to the reader that what she’s reading is thought or inner dialogue and not spoken dialogue.

The use of italics for thoughts, however, can create a greater narrative distance, setting readers outside of the character and the events of the scene. The reader may feel herself an outsider to the character’s thoughts, reading them, as if they were reported to her, but not hearing or experiencing them for herself. Yet if that’s the effect you want/need to create, italics for thoughts is a valid choice.

Such a choice may be necessary if an omniscient narrator treats readers to thoughts from a variety of characters in the same scene.

Yet a thought tag alone, with no italics, may also meet your needs.

Pairing the thoughts with thought tags (thought, wondered, imagined) is helpful to identify the owner of a particular thought.

Montrose angled his head, taking in both Giselle and her sister behind her.

They look nothing alike, he thought. He should have known Giselle was not Ariana.

Also . . .

Montrose angled his head, taking in both Giselle and her sister behind her.

They look nothing alike, he thought. I should’ve known Giselle was not Ariana.

No need to write he thought to himself. The reader knows he’s not thinking to someone else. Unless, of course, we’re talking paranormal or sci-fi. In such cases, you might indeed need to tell us who Montrose is thinking to.

Note that the verb look is in the present tense. Because this is inner dialogue—words directed to the character from himself—verb tense can be past or present, even if the rest of the narrative is past tense.

2. Use italics without dialogue tags

When you’ve made it clear who the viewpoint character is, you can use italics without the dialogue tags. Readers will understand that the viewpoint character is the one revealing his thoughts. This lessens the narrative distance, and the reader feels closer to the story events, less like the outsider observing events or reading a report of what someone thought.

Montrose tilted his head to get a clearer view of the hoyden behind Giselle. They look nothing alike. He dismissed the two of them with the flick of a wrist. And neither looks like my Margaret.

Use of italics allows the writer to treat thoughts as if the words are dialogue, as if the character is speaking to himself. So, we can use the present tense look rather than looked, even if the rest of the story uses narration in the past tense. The writer can also use I and me and we and our, even if the story is in the third person. Whatever you can do with spoken dialogue, you can do with a character’s inner dialogue.

3. Don’t use italics or dialogue tags

This is likely the option most writers will use for most genres most of the time. Not always, but quite often. It creates the shortest narrative distance.

You can eliminate the use of and need for italics if you’re using first-person narration or deep POV in third-person narration. Since the reader knows and feels he’s in the character’s head, there’s no need to use italics to highlight character thoughts or dialogue directed to the character from himself.

You could throw in a thought tag every now and then for thoughts that aren’t italicized if you find it necessary—maybe the effect you need to create or a particular rhythm would make the tag necessary. But for the most part, a thought tag wouldn’t need to be included. The thought could just be blended into the surrounding text.

Note: Do note, however, that in stories with an omniscient POV, readers will need to be able to differentiate between thoughts of the omniscient narrator and the characters. This is especially true when the narrator is opinionated and when you share both the narrator’s thoughts and the thoughts of multiple characters in the same scene.

The following is an example of thoughts without italics from a third-person POV. In this example, the reader is not being told Montrose’s thoughts, but actually hears them as Montrose thinks them.

Montrose tilted his head to get a clearer view of the hoyden behind Giselle. They looked nothing alike, these two women posing as his dead wife’s sisters. He dismissed both with a flick of his wrist. They also looked nothing like his sweet, sweet Margaret.

Stupid, ignorant fool. Should have known better than to believe. Than to hope . . .

There is no doubt that Montrose is the one thinking these thoughts.

For first-person POV, there are not often instances when you’d even need to use a thought tag to identify a character’s thoughts, much less use italics for those thoughts. Yet one instance for using thought tags for first-person POV would be to create some narrative distance or to create the effect of the character reporting his thoughts to the reader, as if to an audience.

Still, most often the thoughts of a first-person narrator will blend seamlessly into the surrounding text—

I tipped my head to get a clearer view of the hoyden behind Giselle. They looked nothing alike, these two women posing as Margaret’s sisters. I waved them away. And they certainly didn’t favor my sweet Margaret.

Stupid, ignorant fool. I should have known better than to believe. Than to hope . . .

Note that without the italics, I kept the verbs in the past tense to match the rest of the narration. This is a deliberate choice. It maintains consistency for the reader, keeps her from wondering why the writer changed from past to present tense.

With italics, the reader is given a signal to alert her to the inner thought. Without italics, there is no visual signal. Readers will understand that they’re reading thoughts, but a change to present tense in those thoughts—pushed up against past tense with the rest of the actions—may cause a hesitation for the reader. And you don’t want to do anything to pull the reader from the fiction.

This practice of switching verb tense only when using italics is a suggestion, not a hard rule. You’ve got options, and if you can make your story work by mixing present tense in your viewpoint character’s thoughts with past tense in that same character’s actions and do so without the visual aid of italics, try it. There’s nothing wrong with trying something.

Yet know that such a practice won’t be universally understood or accepted. Realize that you might lose your reader. And you definitely don’t want to make your reader hesitate, don’t want her wondering about the mechanics of story rather than being lost to the plot of story. Help the reader out.

While I wouldn’t want to say you can’t try something, my recommendation is to only switch tense in thought or inner dialogue if you use italics to highlight the thought.

I also counsel against using I, me, we, or our in thoughts written without italics if you’re using a third-person POV. Without the signal of the italics, readers will think you’ve switched from third to first person mid-paragraph. Again, however, if you can make such an option work, try it.

Keep in mind—

While it’s certainly not required and you wouldn’t use the technique all the time—maybe not much of the time—consider putting thoughts and inner dialogue into a new paragraph, as if it were spoken dialogue. Yet even as dialogue can share a paragraph with action, so can thoughts. Treat inner dialogue as you would spoken dialogue. Separate the thoughts into a new paragraph if you want to create a wider narrative distance, yet keep thoughts in the same paragraph to narrow the narrative distance.

Never use quotation marks for thoughts, even if those thoughts are inner dialogue, a character talking to himself. Reserve quotation marks for speech that’s vocalized. Readers should be able to tell when a character is speaking inside his head and when he’s talking aloud, even if he’s the only person in the scene.

Plus, if you can cut back on distracting visuals, including unnecessary punctuation, do it.

Be consistent. Use the same method of conveying character thought and inner dialogue on the last page that you use on the first page. Consistency keeps the reader grounded in the fiction. Changes in method distract the reader.

I hope these tips are helpful as you look for ways to convey thoughts and inner dialogue.

If you’ve explored other options, let us know what you’ve seen or tried for yourself. What works for you? What doesn’t?

Let your fellow writers and editors know how you write inner dialogue and character thoughts.

Share your own tips about punctuating thoughts.

Let us know how you write good fiction.

On May 16, 2012, I made a couple of changes to the examples and their explanations. I hope the options are now clearer.

1. Viewpoint Character and the Need to Choose Wisely
2. Claustrophobia—Don’t Imprison Readers in a Character’s Head
3. Narrative Modes in Fiction—Telling Your Story (Writing Essentials)

211 Responses to “Inner Dialogue—Writing Character Thoughts”

This got me a bit confused, because you used a style that made your examples all appear in italic. There’s no italic-italic (or mezzogiorno-italic) to distinguish your inner dialogue from the rest.

Free indirect discourse may have some use, but becomes a confusion to many readers when The character has thoughts rendered in italics. Here, using ital and also having an omniscient narrator relate his/her/its thoughts confuses and distracts. While many disagree, i feel its poor form. The omniscient narrator intermittently takes of the POV of multiple characters. Some writers get away with this — and even use of ital for character thoughts to boot. This really gets my goat and confuses many readers. Though Free indirect discourse is an “accepted” technique in both cases above, I strongly recommend against using it; use ital only for rendered thoughts. If one is stubbornly determined to use Free indirect discourse, consider no ital for thoughts or making sure Reader is less forced to pause & think about who’s thinking by using the technique in passages where the POV is crystal clear for Reader. If I controlled the world, writers who used Free indirect discourse would have their ears flicked twice for ever instance. Who’s with me to create the Department of Writing Style, with regulators fully authorized to flick offenders’ ears?

I think you’re confused. Free indirect speech is a Third Person POV style. It’s to do with the narrative distance. It’s when you have Third Person with a First Person feel to it. It’s not Omniscient. Omniscient is a different POV and the techniques used are different. Here’s a link that might help clarify a few things about the POV https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/omniscient-pov/ When free indirect speech is used “CORRECTLY”, the italics are the right choice to express the MC’s inner thoughts, and they don’t cause any confusion, at least they shouldn’t cause any confusion. Of course, there are some readers, that even when you spell everything out for them, they won’t get it. It can’t be helped. For more info about Free Indirect Speech, you can read James Wood’s How Fiction Works (this is supposed to be in italics, but I can’t use them on this site). With Omniscient, the narrator is the one telling the story, almost as a judge. The narrator is privy to all the characters’s thoughts and knows everything. The story is told in way that conforms with the author’s agenda.
In omniscient, you can have the POV of a dog or another animal thrown in, if you want.
Can the Omniscient narrator slip in inner thoughts as in third person close–maybe, but it’d probably come across as incongruous. Can anyone do it right? Maybe. Who knows! I use free indirect speech, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow anyone to flick my ears, especially coming from people who don’t understand the technique.
What makes you think you can tell writers how to write?
Let’s support each other, mate. It’s hard enough for many of us to finish a first draft. We don’t need people regulating our writing styles.

Hajo, the italcs and roman fonts show up here on the article. Is it just on the e-mail version where some paragraphs are shown in all italics? I don’t know that I have control over that setup. I’ll have to check. Thanks for the heads-up.

Beth, You, your blog and this article are a godsend. Thanks so much for the very helpful tips and attention to all the questions. I have two.
1) I’m struggling a bit with paragraphs, especially in dialogue and narrative. How best should one continue the same paragraph including dialogue, while still using new paragraphs to indicate the change in speakers? For example; My mother is sitting on the balcony, but she’s alone. There are no pointy heels punctuating the floor and Ma’s face is a crumpled handkerchief.
“What happened, mom? Where’s Aunt Stella?”
“I don’t know.”
My mother looks down, her eyes red and wet.
“Didn’t she call?”
She just shakes her head. Should the sentences following the dialogue be indented as new paragraphs or left as they are? Question 2. In dialogue, should titles like “Mom” be capitalized?
Many thanks!

BG, I’m glad you’re finding something you can use. Mom is a name as you’re using it, so yes, it gets capped. Sir or honey or sweetie wouldn’t get capped. The lines after the dialogue look like new paragraphs in your example, but that may be a function of the comment. So . . . My mother is sitting on the balcony, but she’s alone. There are no pointy heels punctuating the floor, and Ma’s face is a crumpled handkerchief. “What happened, Mom? Where’s Aunt Stella?” “I don’t know.” My mother looks down, her eyes red and wet. “Didn’t she call?” She just shakes her head. Or try . . . My mother is sitting on the balcony, but she’s alone. No pointy heels punctuate the floor, and Ma’s face is a crumpled handkerchief. “What happened, Mom? Where’s Aunt Stella?” My mother looks down, her eyes red and wet. “I don’t know.” “Didn’t she call?” She just shakes her head. Also, you’ve got mother, ma, and mom. How does the narrator think of her mother? My mother can be paired with either of the other options, but there’d be little reason to have all three words for mother, especially in a section this short. Does she think of her mother as Ma or Mom? A bit more than you asked for, but I hope this helped. Use a new paragraph when a new speaker talks, even if that character has an action beat before the dialogue begins.

Dear Beth, You are a lifesaver. Thank you so much. This is incredibly helpful. I”ll be back for more!

I tried to reply to Bethy Hill, but Phil Huston keeps coming up.
Anyway, here’s my question. I think I know the answer but I’m interested in hearing what others think.
Here in Australia, we often call each other “mate”—as you probably know. Should this be capitalised? It isn’t a name, but it means more than just saying ‘How’re you going, friend?’

I think important to point out the topic discussed is inner monologue, which is one character voicing thoughts silently. The best example I can think of is Hemngway’s one character novel, The Old Man and the Sea. Inner dialogue is a rare and challenging device used when within the head of one character, the voices of two entities have a dialogue. It could be a true conversation between the character and a spirit i.e. a deceased parent or mentor. This was a key device that made Magic, the 1978 movie starring Anthony Hopkins movie, in which the his own dummy overtakes the mind of his ventriloquist.

Al, thanks for joining the discussion. I remember Magic. It’s one of the reasons I find certain kinds of dolls creepy. They did a great job with the movie. While dialogue, monologue, and character thoughts are each different, I used the term here for any kind of character speech, whether that speech is between characters, is a character speaking aloud to himself or an object, or is a character speaking in his mind. Dialogue is a more commonly discussed fiction term than is monologue, so I hoped those searching for dialogue tips, no matter what their form, would be able to find and use the article. Also, I’ve found that the meaning of dialogue has expanded beyond a conversation between two or more people. Dialogue in one sense is a reference to any of the spoken words in a piece of fiction. Thus we wouldn’t need to specify that a novelist writes both good dialogue and good monologue; dialogue by itself conveys our meaning. But true inner dialogue—a conversation between two parts of the same person—that indeed would be fascinating. Thanks for pointing out the classic definitions of dialogue and monologue.

I considered that some will regard my comment as overly picky. I did not mean to dilute your otherwise great discussion of monologue. Your additional remarks flesh out the concept even further. Thanks for that. The only real I had is how does inner dialogue look on a page? I did a story once with only one character for the first 2/3s of the story. He has an inner dialogue with his deceased father. I remember agonizing over how to express it. I think I punctuated it as though it was simple dialogue. AL

Hi Al,
I don’t regard your comment as overly picky. I think it was spot-on! I was looking for such a distinction in the main article which, by the way, was fantastic and very helpful, Beth. (Thank you, Beth. As with your other articles, this one was well done!) I am writing a sci-fi novel that involves advanced technology which allows characters to speak to each other telepathically, sharing thoughts and feelings. I also have several characters that speak their thoughts in the traditional sense of dialogue, not project them. Furthermore, the POV is first-person, so my main character can be doing all these things simultaneously: holding a vocalized conversation, sharing thoughts telepathically, and having an inner monologue for himself. Font-wise and punctuation-wise, it’s very challenging to say the least! Obviously, I try to minimize the reader’s confusion by limiting the use of those mechanisms in a chapter. And I build up to it, not just lay it all on the reader at once and hope for the best. I have found that using italics to convey telepathic messages works well, with each new speaker getting a new paragraph, just as in spoken dialogue. Since the POV is first-person, I also have (I think) the choice of non-italicized font for direct narration by the first-person/main character and italicized font for his own inner thoughts (pep talks, satirical comments, self-doubts, snide remarks, whatever). I do have one question for Beth. Perhaps it was answered elsewhere in the long comment section. If so, my apologies for not looking harder. The question regards long passages of italics. I saw you talk about this elsewhere in the comments. Thanks for that. But I need a clarification. If my first-person main character (MC) is “obtaining” a large bit of info (i.e., reading it, sensing it, feeling it) from a source that he is telepathically linked to, would you still NOT use italics? At first, I used italics, but what you’ve written in the comments elsewhere has given me cause to change it to indented text, read like a collection of newspaper articles. This will help avoid the “eye strain” problem you mentioned. It’s about a page-and-a-half long, a lot of material that, by this time in the story, I owe to the reader (and her patience!), having hinted at all of it in previous chapters. The gravity of the situation is also expressed in the frankness of the articles the MC is reading/sensing/feeling. I think this is also what George Orwell did in the middle of “1984” when his MC reads the treatise “War is Peace” (or whatever it was actually called in the novel). Think that’s still a better way to go? Cheers and thanks for all the excellent help!

Richard, since it sounds like your character is actually reading material from another character and not exchanging dialogue with him or her, indenting on both sides sounds like a great option. Especially for something that goes longer than a page. I think you’ve chosen the best option. Treat the mental download just like a newspaper article or letter or diary entry.

Al, no worries. All discussion is good discussion. Though we always want to get it exactly right, being consistent is sometimes the most important issue. If your character never spoke aloud to others, the reader probably wouldn’t have gotten confused, would not have assumed the character was talking aloud rather than thinking to himself. Yet, I still like reserving quotation marks for spoken dialogue. But need sometimes trumps rules. And that’s part of what makes the written story so fascinating and unpredictable.

I have two or more characters communicating mentally in my manuscript. I start a new paragraph every time and put it in italics should I also put it is quotation marks since they are talking to one another? By the way thank you so much for this blog it is the most helpful thing i have found so far!

Misti, with all the paranormals and sci-fi that have come along, the need for writing mind-to-mind communication has increased. There’s no one standard yet, at least as far as I can tell. But you definitely don’t want a lot of italics taking over your manuscript. Paragraph after paragraph of words in italics is simply hard on the reader. And you don’t want both italics and quotation marks. That’s just overkill. Reserve quotation marks for spoken words. If you used them for thought and speech, readers wouldn’t know which it was. Also, let readers know right from the top that characters can mind-talk. And then keep that mind-talk brief. Unless someone comes up with something we all can use and easily recognize, the best option for mind-talk at this time is still italics. But just as you would break up spoken speech with action beats and action and description, break up mind speech as well. Don’t let any one character talk for pages. Breaking up the visual of all italics will give the reader a break. And giving characters more than mind-talk will give them a break. Maybe another reader has a suggestion regarding this issue, something they’ve seen or tried. A few of my reminders about mind-talk have to do with other issues that might come up. That is, how do you turn off the thoughts from others? Can your characters shut them off or are they bombarded by mind-talk constantly? How far can your characters mind-talk? That is, do they need phones or can they reach around the world with a thought? Or maybe they have to be in the same room with the other person. But why would that be so? Just some issues to consider . . . Great questions, Misti.

I know this is a bit late… I’ve read books where characters hold telepathic conversations, but unfortunately I don’t remember exactly how. The books that come to mind belong to two different series: The Dresden Files and The Infernal Devices (how do you do italics?). In a couple of books of The Dresden Files(I don’t remember which ones exactly), Harry, the protagonist, has a demon inside him and he holds conversations with her inside his head. The demon can’t take possession unless Harry agrees to it, so she’s always tempting him. I don’t remember how Jim Butcher did it–I think he used italics–but it worked well. The same goes for The Infernal Devices. One of the protagonists, Will and his “parabatai”, Jem, communicate telepathically from time to time. If I were trying to have characters communicating telepathically,I’d probably try a couple of things, but of course, it would all depend on my characters and how important and how often the telepathic exchanges occur. For instance, if my main character’s head is “invaded” by another character, I’d probably start by alerting the reader of the invasion… the pounding headache started again, and suddenly Chapra was in his head. “Hello, lover-boy.”(this would be in italics)
Cassius shook his head. “Get the hell out of my head.”(italics)
“Why don’t you make me(italics)?” If my main character is going to initiate a telepathic talk,I’d also alert the reader… Cassius concentrated, “Chapra, listen… are you listening?(italics)” Now, if the voice just pops in the head of the character, that’d be more challenging: Cassius pulled Martabix toward him. “You are so beautiful–”
“Don’t do it, Cass!” (italics)”
Cassius shook his head and without realising it, he was shaking Martabix as well.”Get out of my head!”
Martabix screamed and pushed him away. “My father was right. You are a frogging psycho!”
“Wait, no. I wasn’t yelling at you…”
Chapra’s laugh reverberated in his head. “That went well, lover boy.” (italics) If it the telepathic conversations don’t happen all the time and there are other aspects of plot that are more important, then the telepathic conversations might be incorporated in the way I explained above. However, if the head conversations are the only way of communicating ,then I’d probably come up with a more inventive style. I might even try using a “fuzzy” font. I’m sorry the italics option is greyed out and I couldn’t work out how to italicise. I hope this isn’t too confusing.

I have just found this site on searching for information about using punctuation when a character is sitting back and reliving in his thoughts a word by word converstaion he had with someone in the past. Would I be right in thinking that in this case puctuation would be the correct method

Margaret, I’m glad you found the blog. However, I’m not sure what your question is. Are you asking about quotation marks for a reply of a past conversation?

Thank you for coming back to me Beth. I am and have never been a writer of stories, but I am now making an attempt to write a short fan fiction story.I should have made myself more clear….Yes, I am looking at quotation marks. My main character is going back six years in his thoughts and is recollecting a word for word conversation he had with someone, and I am writing the conversation down word for word. But, as this was a conversation in the past, but being re lived in his mind now….I am not sure if I should use quotation marks in the conversation as if it is happening in his thoughts now.I hope this makes sense. I may be making a meal of this and perhaps the quotation marks should be there anyway. whatever way I am writing this into the story line.

I’m a first-time writer and I struggled with this topic. I googled all over and found your post to be BY FAR the best explanation. Succinct, clear, and just totally awesome. Someone on AbsoluteWrite had the same question, so I posted a link to your post and raved about it. I hope it’ll help him/her as much as it helped me. Thanks.

Thanks for your advice on how to write a character’s thoughts. I have one question though for which I cannot seem to find the answer. Do you insert a question mark into a thought? For example- is the following correctly punctuated?
What is happening to me? he thought despairingly.
(The thoughts would be in italics.) Thank you very much for your help!

Cindy, Chicago MOS (16th Ed. 6-67) says yes, use the question mark with direct questions in the middle of a sentence. I’m sure, however, that I’ve also seen such sentences without the question mark. While the CMOS example is not italicized, I definitely like the question mark with italicized thought—What is happening to me? he thought.

I’ve bookmarked this and will refer my friends! Thank you for clarifying much of which I knew internally, but was unable to articulate to my friend.

This is a great explanation for using or not using
Italics for your characters thoughts. I plan to use italics for remembering the past. Does that work Thanks Toni

Toni, I wouldn’t recommend italics for remembering the past because you don’t want to overuse italics. If you give your readers a memory or flashback, that’s likely to last for more than a line or two. Italics are both noticeable and sometimes difficult to read. I’d reserve them for words, phrases, and short sections of thought. You don’t want to do anything that might slow the read for your readers and italics can do just that. Help the reader out whenever you can.

I have the same question as Margaret Smith, which you didn’t answer here. My character is remembering something someone said to her. Example: He’s never vague with his opinions, so what does “Yeah. It was fine.” really mean? I’ve used quotes here, but I’ve also considered quotes with italics. And do you include the end punctuation?

Linda, you’ve got a couple of options, but let me address the last question first—no, you don’t include the period for the example you cited. Sometimes you don’t need to include the capital letter either. Don’t use both quotation marks and italics—there’s no reason for both. Simple, if it’s clear, is almost always better. If one character isn’t really quoting the other character’s words, you can use italics: He’s never vague with his opinions, so what does yeah, it was fine really mean? Or you can use quotation marks, but I’d suggest not using a cap for yeah: He’s never vague with his opinions, so what does “yeah, it was fine” really mean? No commas needed for either of these examples. You could just as easily say: He’s never vague with his opinions, so when he said it was fine, what did he mean? Or, to indicate a direct quote: He’s never vague with his opinions, so when he said, “Yeah, it was fine,” what did he mean? Another option: He’s never vague with his opinions, so what did he mean when he said, “Yeah, it was fine”? (No period here after fine.) Does that help?

Linda, I’m glad the examples were useful. I might have to copy some of this info to the article on punctuation in dialogue. It could come in handy there. Thanks for the questions.

How do you properly puncuate He said, she said and I said. I am having a debate with a friend as to what’s right and what’s wrong. Correct: He said, “Look I will call you later.” Incorrect: He said. Look I will call you later. Does this apply to he said and I said?

Tracie, I’m not sure exactly what you’re asking. Your correct example is correct and your incorrect example is incorrect (though both need a comma after look). This would be the same setup for any dialogue tag, no matter who was speaking. I’ve got a lot of examples in the article Punctuation in Dialogue. Let me know if it doesn’t answer your question.

What about punctuation with question marks in thoughts: Is it:
What was the use? he thought. – as it would be in quote dialogue
OR
What was the use, he had thought?
OR, do you lose the question mark all together…
What was the use, he thought.

That has always been my question too! I usually prefer this:
Where have my keys gone? he thought. The thought,Where have my keys gone, is also in italics. But, Microsoft Word always corrects it to have NO question mark at all, just a comma. I’ve tried looking it up in The Chicago Manual of Style, but it really does not give a clear answer, at least one I could find.
I think the most important thing to do is to be consistent, whatever punctuation you decide on. Hope this helps.

My main character is going back in her thoughts to a scene that happened hours ago. She is remembering word for word conversation and action she had with someone, and I am writing the conversation down word for word as she remembers. But, as this was a conversation in the past, but being re lived in her mind now. Is it best to just say, It was some time before she could find rest as her remembered what had occurred AND THEN just give the scene as though the reader is experiencing it, then have her come back from her thoughts? In this way, (3rd person) I would just give the scene from her perspective including action and conversation with quotes. Would this be the best way to handle?? Margaret Smith asked this last year and I can’t find an exact answer to this queston.

Seamus, I agree with Cindy that the question mark goes before the thought tag, just as it would go before a dialogue tag. You definitely don’t want it after the tag. Yet, for such a sentence, you could also consider dropping the question mark and simply using a comma—de-emphasize the question part. Soften the feel of a hard question. Would that be correct in terms of the traditional rules of punctuation? Maybe not enough for some of the sticklers. But would it be stylistically correct for your story? It might well be perfect for it. In a related issue—I just finished reading a novel that used almost no question marks at all, not for any questions. It took me a while to get used to it, but then I felt what the writer had established with her choice. The characters asked a lot of questions, many rhetorical, and question marks would have cluttered the text, been a visual distraction. Had I edited that book, I probably would have suggested using question marks for some of the characters. As we use different sentence constructions to differentiate our characters, we can also use different punctuation. Some characters would naturally emphasize the question as a question in their thougths and speech, even if others didn’t. It would be a way to accentuate those differences. For your example, Seamus, the thought tag may or may not be necessary. If you’ve put readers into your character’s head, they’ll know such a question is his thought, making the thought tag unnecessary.

Dana, you have some options here. If you want to show the conversation exactly as it happened, treat it like any other flashback. That way you can include setting details, the dialogue word for word, and the characters’ movements. Use quotation marks for the dialogue, just as you normally would. And introduce the flashback in a way that lets the reader know it’s a flashback and then bring the reader back to the present in a way that indicates that’s what is happening. If, however, you want to show how the words from that conversation affect the character in the present—she’s tossing and turning and can’t sleep—you may just want to pull out a line or two of the conversation. The emphasis here is less on the whole conversation and more on how the character is reacting to what was said. If what she remembers is a short line or two, consider italics rather than quotation marks. An example— Janelle couldn’t sleep, certainly didn’t want to dream now that her precious dreams had been shattered. Matthew had finally told her what he felt about her. My wife must be of one of the First Families, a woman of pedigree. She pounded her pillow and pounded again. You come from . . . She knew her background, much, much better than he did. She’d heard the accusations since her first days in the capital. She pressed the pillow over her face, hoping to drown out not only his spoken words, but those he’d left in his thoughts. You come from trash. You are not worthy of my name. You could also separate out his words in this manner— Janelle couldn’t sleep, certainly didn’t want to dream now that her precious dreams had been shattered. Matthew had finally told her what he felt about her. My wife must be of one of the First Families, a woman of pedigree. She pounded her pillow and pounded again. You come from . . . She knew her background, much, much better than he did. She’d heard the accusations since her first days in the capital. She pressed the pillow over her face, hoping to drown out not only his spoken words, but those he’d left in his thoughts. You come from trash. You are not worthy of my name. You can, of course, always use quotation marks for the dialogue. Janelle couldn’t sleep. Her conversation, her fight, with Matthew wouldn’t stop looping through her mind. She covered her eyes and ears, but she still saw his face, heard his words. “My wife must be a woman of pedigree,” he’d told her, his face averted. “You come from . . .” Trash. He’d almost said it, the epithet for all her kind.
————- The best option for one story, for one scene, won’t be the best for another. Flashbacks always stop the forward motion of a story, but they get the job done. If the scene is powerful and necessary, show it in a flashback. If what’s more important is the effect of an earlier scene on the present, consider pulling out only certain parts of it and playing up the impact on the character in the now. Which would be more dramatic? Which would do a better job of raising conflict and tension? Which would be more revealing of character? The good news is you have options. The bad news is that sometimes we don’t want options. There is no general right or wrong for this one. Try both and see what works for the story. If this the kind of thing you were looking for?

I’ve written and self published a novel wherein characters are possessed by demons, angels, and spirits. These characters interact on occasion but they all have their own agendas. There are also many conversations that take place internally between host and possessors. At times I can have two or three physical beings in one place but 4-6 different personalities engaged in conversation with the other characters as well as internal dialogue with their hosts. I have taken to putting these internal dialogues between host and possessor between asterisks and anchoring the text to the character. Ex.- “I mean you no harm, human. Nor you, demon.”
Uriazel spoke quickly to Alistair in his head. *Don’t acknowledge that you are possessed.*
“No demon here, other than yourself, demon.” Alistair spoke aloud immediately.
“Don’t attempt to play games with me human, I am not known for my patience.” Belial warned ominously.
*He’s not lying.* Uriazel cautioned internally. *He’s quick to anger, and we’re not in fighting shape.*
“What can I do for you, Prince Belial?” Alistair asked in a more diplomatic manner.
“You can start by recognizing my act of truce and put your weapons away.” The Forbidden Prince stated.
Alistair shrank his weapons back down into its bracelet form. “Fair enough.”
“Who is the demon possessing you?”
“I’m not possessed.”
“How would you know who I am; were you not possessed? Also, I can smell him embedded within you, human.” The massive demon stated as he inhaled deeply. “Is that you Uriazel?” He asked as he recognized a familiar scent.
*We’re had.* Uriazel spoke internally, then aloud. “Yes, it’s me, Prince Belial.” My dilemma: I have started query letters to different agencies and I keep getting turned down. Now, I don’t believe that my writing is bad and I have received some input back from several agents. They say the same thing. “We’re afraid your project isn’t quite right for our lists at this time, but we encourage you to continue editing and querying other agencies.” My gut tells me it’s because I don’t use italics for internal dialogue, but I don’t feel this will work with my situation of characters. Do you have any suggestions?

Chad, while I doubt that punctuation alone would keep a story from being accepted, your punctuation/font choice is unusual. Those you’ve sent it to may get the impression that since you hadn’t used traditional methods for conveying talk/thoughts, you also haven’t used other writing conventions. Consider sticking with italics for these characters thinking inside other characters. Or, since they do this a lot and you probably also have the characters thinking to themselves, consider quotation marks for the character-to-character thought. It really is conversation. You just need to make sure readers know who is think/speaking. You do have some other issues in this example. The punctuation for the dialogue itself needs a review. Also, you typically don’t want to refer to one character by several names. With the high number of characters you no doubt have, I suggest you stick to one name for each one in a scene. You’ve got Belial, Prince Belial, the Forbidden Prince, and the massive demon referring to the same character in only a few lines. Readers will not know if you’re referring to the same character each time. Also, who is the viewpoint character here? I assume it’s Alistair, since you’re showing us his thoughts. But then we have a line that shows Belial recognizing the scent of the demon. That’s a viewpoint violation that doesn’t belong in a scene from the Alistair’s POV. And does Alistair know Belial’s name before anyone mentions it? Also, consider cutting the explanations in the dialogue tags. Let characters speak without qualifying how the words are spoken. This example supposes that you’ve already explained that Alistair hears Uriazel in his head. “I mean you no harm, human. Nor you, demon.”
Uriazel cautioned Alistair, “Don’t acknowledge that you are possessed.”
“No demon here, other than yourself, demon,” Alistair said.
“Don’t play games with me, human. I am not known for my patience.”
“He’s not lying,” Uriazel told Alistair. “He’s quick to anger, and we’re not in fighting shape.”
“What may I do for you, Prince Belial?” Alistair asked.
“You can start by recognizing my act of truce and put your weapons away.”
Alistair shrank his weapons [plural] back down into its [singular] bracelet form. “Fair enough.”
“Who is the demon possessing you?”
“I’m not possessed.”
“How would you know who I am; were you not possessed? Also, I can smell him embedded within you, human.” He inhaled deeply. “Is that you, Uriazel?”
“We’re had,” Uriazel told Alistair before saying, “Yes, it’s me, Prince Belial.”
——–
How does something like this sound to you?

Thank you for taking the time to look over my extensive question! The example I gave you probably wasn’t the best to throw out there as it takes place in the beginning of the fourth chapter. It was just a quick excerpt I grabbed out of the text to illustrate my dilemma. You did answer my question for me. Thank you! Now I have to sit down and figure out how to dial this back into the accepted norm…. Again, thank you for your time and feedback! ~Chad

Hello. Can you please help me out? I have a character who is at home remembering a converstation he had with police officers earlier on that day. Do I use italics for this or use normal dialogue with quotation marks? This is the first time readers will know of this conversation. Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks.

Barry, you have a couple of ways of playing this. If the character’s replaying the moment and the dialogue word for word, you can treat it like a flashback and use quotation marks for the dialogue. Show readers the scene as it happened— The precinct had been crowded and noisy. When he’d caught the eye of both Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, they’d aimed straight for him. The sergeant pulled him aside and then, with a long sigh, he dragged him into a tiny office and slammed the door. “You’re damned lucky to be alive.” ———– But if he’s just remembering bits and pieces, you could use italics or quotation marks for the dialogue— What had that sergeant said? “You’re damned lucky to be alive.” What had that sergeant said? You’re damned lucky to be alive. ———- I like italics for this short memory-dialogue, but when italics are used too often, they lose their effect and start to annoy. You wouldn’t want to use them for more than a line or so. If you’re going to write out the dialogue in full, use quotation marks. Quotation marks are the standard punctuation for spoken dialogue, so you’re safe to use them for that purpose. You can also use indirect quotations— The sergeant had said he was damned lucky to be alive. He didn’t know if he was lucky, but being alive sure felt good. ————– Does that help?

Thanks Beth. That did help A LOT! I’ve tried playing out the scene many different ways but none of them looked quite. . .right. You’ve made it look so simple; why couldn’t see it like that before? Can I be a lad and ask one more thing? What’s the best way to write dreams? To be italic or not to be italic? That is the question. Thanks Beth. You’re not bad at this writing lark, are you! Kind regards. Barry W.

Thanks, Barry. I do love writing and editing and putting it all together. There are for specific reasons to use italics in fiction, but using them for long passages of text is not encouraged. For one thing, it’s simply difficult and distracting to read long sections of text in italics. Is it done? You bet it is. But that doesn’t mean using italics is the best choice. I read a book a couple of weeks ago that used italics for long stretches of text. It was done for a particular purpose, and I recognized that as I was reading, but I found myself having to reread sentences or words because they just didn’t look right on the page. I also rubbed my eyes because the read was a bit of a strain. The font looked smaller in italics (thought I’m sure it wasn’t) and had they bumped up the font size, that might have eased my problems. So, to answer your question, the recommendation is to stay away from italics for long sections of text whether that means dreams or flashbacks or even thoughts between mind-talking characters. (A publisher may choose italics for any of these purposes, of course. But that’s their decision. What you want to do is identify that the dream section is something other, something different from the surrounding text. And you want to make it easy to read.) Roman text is sufficient for dreams. Simply introduce the dream as a dream and show when it begins and ends. You can do this by writing us into and out of the dream with words that indicate that the character is dreaming. Or you can use the present tense in your dreams, giving them a feel different from the rest of your story (if you’re using past tense). If you choose not to introduce the dream with words, set it up as a scene of its own, with scene breaks at both ends. If your character dreams a lot or has nightmares that you want the reader to see, once you’ve shown one or two, readers will catch on to your setup, whatever it is, and know you’re presenting a dream. So you wouldn’t have to show a character falling asleep every time. Simply give us a scene break and introduce a recurring dream element—the character walking down a deserted street, the character being chilled or hearing her own footsteps echoing louder and louder as she walks, the image of a broken doll or a cloud-shrouded moon or the murmur of indistinct voices. Readers are smart, so if you give them a hint, they know how to run with what you’ve provided. Not be italic is my suggestion.

Ta, Beth. No italics then. I know what you mean about italics making the print appear smaller. I reckon it’s an optical illusion. Don’t know if you’re familiar with British crime writer, peter James but he sometimes writes whole chapters in italics! It sometimes seems like the words run into each other. Great writer though. Anyway, I’ve used up way too much of your time. I’m off to dreamland now (without italics). Thanks for the advice. You’ve been a great help. Take care. Barry.

Thank you SO MUCH for the very clear explanation of when and how to use italics when portraying a character’s thoughts. The best explanation I’ve found.

Connie, you are welcome. We’ve covered a lot of related issues here in the comments, so I might need to do a Part Two on this topic.

My current problem is trying to figure out how to punctuate a paragraph in which a character is reading something to herself. If I just put quotes around the material being read, it looks like she’s reading it aloud. I’m wondering if single quotes would work. The paragraph which is from my upcoming novel The Heart of Applebutter Hill is:
Block quote
When he reached Abigail, Thornhammer pressed a stiff card into her hand. She fumbled with it and, after getting the Braille right-side up, read, ‘Professor Thornhammer’s Banned Four-Letter Words.’ Her heart raced in anticipation of the words he might have included, but the list was a simple one: ‘Like, Sure, very, fine and just.’
Block quote end
Thanks for any suggestions.

Donna, you have some options, but using single quotation marks isn’t one of them unless you’re using rules for British English. American English doesn’t use single quotation marks in fiction except as a quote within a quote. If you’re going to use the word read as you have, then using quotation marks is okay. So— She fumbled with it and, after getting the Braille right-side up, read, “Professor Thornhammer’s banned four-letter words.” Or you could use italics. But since you used the word read, the quotation marks do work. Think of read as equal to said in this case. For the second section, I suggest neither quotation marks nor italics (though if I had to choose, I’d go with italics). But because this is just a list, you don’t need anything special. If someone’s reading a paragraph or so of text, you can use quotation marks—think of it as quoting someone, though the character isn’t truly speaking. If the words are few and interspersed with comments from the character, use either quotation marks or italics, depending on how you introduce the text and how many or few words you’re reporting— She had picked up the book, but had never gotten past the first line—Home wasn’t a place to live; it was a circus complete with animals, con men, and clowns. . . . gotten past the words Home wasn’t a place to live; it was a circus complete with animals, con men, and clowns. . . . gotten past Richardson’s opening. “Home wasn’t a place to live; it was a circus complete with animals, con men, and clowns.” If your character is reading a lot of text—several pagragraphs or pages (though that could be very boring for the reader)—consider indenting on both left and right and not using italics or quotation marks. This simply sets the text off so the reader (if you’re submitting, this means agent or editor) knows that the text is something other than exposition or dialogue or action. With this choice, however, you do need to make clear when the text begins and ends. You can do that with line spaces and/or words that introduce the text at the beginning and then indicate, at the end, that the special text is finished ———– Using italics for a lot of text makes a tough read for the reader, so for submissions, try what I’ve suggested here. If the publisher wants to use italics for long sections of text, that’s their choice. What you’ll want to do is be consistent and clear. Unfortunately, there’s no one option that’s always right because the circumstances, especially the amount of text, is different.

I think…as may have been said here in prior posts…that text being read by your POV should be offset and and blocked. Decide what margins will work for you…say one inch on both sides. That way it stands out from the regular text and lets the reader know that this text is different..usually preceded by narrative indicating that the reader is about to witness the POV read something. However, it’s not necessary in most cases to have the reader witness the POV read directly from a book…because paraphrasing works just as well and better in some cases.

This article has certainly cleared up a sticking point in my own writing. Always having tete-a-tete discussions with my editing friend, I preferred using quotation marks in the middle of a paragraph and at the same time being annoyed that I could not develop consistency. I would use variation in different works. I will use the italics method, thanks to you, and begin new inner thoughts as new paragraphs. I think it should also blend in with my personal style development. Thank you, Beth.

I am a retired IT maven. I procrastinated for twenty years, but in January I started writing Dragon at 1600. I had 200 pages of the worst grammar possible. In high school and college when they said grammar, I said already got a gramma. So, I met some writers on the Writers Network (LinkedIN) and started getting major help. One genius, took me under her wings. She is tough. For the past month, I have re-written the first 7 chapters five times. My grammar will get better, but my tenses and must have narration was killing me. I have had three different prologues. Hell I love Clive Cussler. The prologue is now chapter 15, but chapter 1 is killing me. I want it to explode. So, yesterday was a really bad day for me. I was searching the internet for answers and got your site. Hello, and thank you. I just re-wrote chapter 1 this morning. I changed 70% of the narrative to dialogue. I was having a problem because Buck was all by himself. Oh my God. I looked around my office and said what can i do. Hey, I yell at my TV all the time. I’m a NY Met and NY Jet fan. I’m lucky the TV still works. Thoughts, what an interest concept. I’ll be damned, someones at the door. Next thing you know, the whole narrative, minus what was not needed… became dialogue. I read something the other day that hit me hard. Write your scene like someone is paying $300,000.00. for it. If its crap it gets cut. The movie is only two hours. Everthing has to count. I would love to SHOW you the before and after, but won’t waste your time. What I do want is more ideas and ways to make narrative into dialog. In the past two weeks I have read 6 books on writing. Yes they all helped, but your site woke me up. Thank you.

Stephen, you are welcome. I’m guessing that consistency is going to help not only the manuscript, but the way you approach your characters’ thoughts and their inner monologue. Keep in mind that if you’ve clearly shown the reader that they’re in the character’s head, hearing his thoughts, italics aren’t even needed. Or you might want to differentiate between passive thoughts and the self-directed thought-talk of your characters by not using italics for the first but using them for the self-directed thoughts. Here’s to the change making a difference.

Gene, congratulations on your jump into writing. You’ve aleady begun the two best practices you could undertake at this point, as you begin your writing career—writing and studying the craft of writing. I’m glad you found something you could use here. Of course I’m going to caution you to not go overboard the other way with your use of dialogue. How much action do you have in that opening chapter? Perhaps some of that 70% of the narrative that was changed to dialogue should be action instead? Finding the balance is part of the writing experience, and each story will have a different balance of elements. And you’ll find that your style will naturally tend to lean toward one of the elements at the expense of the others. Thought and dialogue are vital, but so is action. If you want your opening to explode, light a match. But keep in mind that you’ve got to have an explosive of some kind attached, a situation that could explode. And sometimes you need to show the reader some of the setup, the reason why there’s a possibility of something explosive happening. You can play around with cause and effect, action and reaction, to see what works for the story’s needs.
———–
Regarding action, even a character alone, as you pointed out from your own experience, can be active. A guy can reveal his rage or despair by throwing objects or kicking through walls. He can pound his fists into a floor again and again, until they’re bloody, as he tries to deal with the death of a lover or child. A psychopath could painstakingly put together a bomb, talking to himself all the while, as he readies the device for his next attack. You didn’t specifically mention action, but these are a few reminders to give the reader a break from thoughts and dialogue. Too much of any one element—dialogue, action, thought, exposition or summary, or description—is too much. As for ideas to make narrative into dialogue, one of the most effective is to make sure you’re writing scenes and not reports. Scenes mean people in specific places doing something. Sections of all thought all too often become a bodiless mind, and not a full character, thinking of past events. Reporting past events. In contrast, for a scene, characters need to interact with others, if those others are in the scene. But characters also need motion and interaction with props from the setting. And the passage of time should be clear. So a character is in an identifiable place, doing something, including talking to other characters, interacting with objects and moving around, as time advances in a recognizable way. Even if a character goes on for a stretch simply thinking, readers should know where the character is and what he’s doing, even if the focus is on his thoughts. Where is Roger when he takes a trip down memory lane to think about the guy who mentored him in high school, the coach who set him on the right track? Is Roger sitting alone at a bar? Is he pacing in a hospital ER? Is he on a stakeout? And what’s the catalyst for his trip down memory lane? What event gets him thinking? People don’t simply willy-nilly start thinking of events or people from the past—something brings them to mind. Be sure that stimulus is clear. So to show a detective lost to his thoughts of his ex-wife, the one he let dovorce him without a fight in order to protect her, readers could see the character tapping the steering wheel as he sits a stakeout. Readers should feel the wind shaking the car, the biting cold as it creeps in through the window that doesn’t close all the way. Readers should hear the crackling as the character shifts in his seat, smell the odor of drive-thru chicken and burgers from the bags piling up in the back seat. And readers could hear the detective make a report to his partner or dispatch and then watch as he fiddles with the ring he still wears. And then readers could listen in as the detective remembers events from the past. But the present scene shouldn’t be forgotten and events and the reality of that present should interrupt the memories of the past. Coming back to the present scene will keep characters and readers grounded so neither are lost to memories and thoughts that play out only in a character’s head. The suggestion, then, is to write scenes and not simply character remembrances. Ways to convert narrative into dialogue (and action) would make for a good article. I’ll have to think about that one. Thanks for joining the discussion, Gene. I’m sure your comment sparked ideas and questions for others.

Thank you Beth. Maybe explosive was the wrong word. This is my 6 draft of chapter 1. I want it dynamic, but I’m introducing my protagonist. I did not want the narrator doing it all. Some people told me it was too wordy. Here is what I’m talking about. Buck believed America was a pretty damn good place to live. The US Constitution guaranteed that. He believed most people came here for that reason only. Some people— not just the rich— came to America for another reason. To bleed the red, white and blue for all it is worth.
He was in his home office at his computer programming. He was making enhancements to his tracking system. The music was blasting through the computer speakers, his kind of music… It was another typical week for Buck, twelve to fifteen hour work days. This time around it was for America… not the man. Bruce Greenwood was getting his juices flowing.
…That I’m proud to be an American, / where at least I know I’m free. / And I won’t forget the men who died, / who gave that right to me.
Buck was retired now; he was finally done with the corporate bullshit. No more asshole bosses, who hired their even bigger asshole kids. There he was, poppa’s proud whatever… Mr. Vice President of just show the **** up to work.. The back-stabbing and the cry baby demands, yeah, Buck was done with that bullshit too.
…And I gladly stand up, / next to you and defend her still today. / ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land, / God bless the USA.
A special report on the news, caught Bucks attention.
Look at them he thought, they seek any law that can benefit their cause. They exploited it, twisted and use creative interpretation, only to push their own agenda… bleed America dry. They spit on Old Glory, stomp on her, then burn her. Why… because they can?
“Damn,” said Buck to the TV. “They fight the very rights, our brave men and women fought to defend. The rights that made America… the land of the free.”
Lynyrd Skynyrd was now rocking on the system. Buck muted the sound on the TV.
Yeah that’s right! / My Daddy worked hard, and so have I, / Paid our taxes and gave our lives / To serve this great country / So what are they complaining about…
Buck didn’t like people who took and never gave. Worse, Buck hated traitors.
“Buck are you here?” said Roy.
“Sorry didn’t hear you come in. Got the music blasting.”
“I have a couple of things I’m working on,” said Roy. “I want to add it to the system, see how it looks.”
“Knock yourself out.”
Roy Singh was Bucks partner, best friend and Swami. Hell, he was a genius and had three pussy PhD’s to prove it.
“What are your plans?” said Roy.
“I was thinking of swinging by Sarge’s. Have a few beers, complain a little and blow off some steam. Micky’s up in White Plains, pushing his new novel, The Saratoga Project.. I want to go see him. He gave me a couple of people to look into and I want Sarge to drive.”
My hair’s turning white, / My neck’s always been red, / My collar’s still blue, / We’ve always been here / Just trying to sing the truth to you. / Yes you could say / We’ve always been, / Red, White, and Blue…
Buck had met Micky on an IT Security project in Purchase, NY several years ago. Micky was his mentor. They worked together, played golf and were constant dinner and drinking companions. Micky gave more than half his life to America, he was legit, and got the whole God and Country meaning. He put five years in the Navy and another twenty in the Air Force… he was still involved. He parlayed his IT Security and Auditing background from the Air Force into a nice career. After he retired, he became a mega-millionaire author.
…If they don’t like it they can just / get the HELL out!
“Hey Roy, I’m out of here.” First off… you don’t see that I used italics on the song words between the paragraphs. I want the reader to say… I’m with BUCK!

Beth,
Thank you for responding. what I had listed was the first page and a half of a 3200 word chapter. The rest of the chapter has a 55-45 blend of dialogue to narration maybe even 60% dialogue. I have been working hard at turning narration into dialogue if I can. I realize that some narrative maybe important to me but does not move the story along. I have my orignal draft so it’s not like It’s gone forever. Hell, some are memories from 30 years ago. Obviously, I didn’t forget them. I created an inside cover that will grab the reader, if political espionage and suspense is their thing. Also, in my first draft, I gave all the goodies away in the first 30 to 40 pages. Why read the rest, when you know how it’s going to end. This time around, I want them saying, “I’ll read one more chapter before I go to bed, maybe two.” I read a lot. Some books you just can’t put down. I love James Patterson, but one of his last books just didn’t do it. I just kept putting it down. This may also be, because I’m reading in edit mode so I’m not enjoying it. I write 8 to 10 hours a day and edit in between. I start at 6 am and stop around 8 pm. So when I finally want to read for fun, I’m spent. I will tell you one thing I have learned. There is nothing that compares to writing. It is the one thing in life that you totally control. My protagonist had just saved two Russian Scientists who were kidnapped. They were boring. I went to bed and dreamed about my book. When I woke up, they were not longer boring. I made them smarter and more beautiful. They are now part of Bucks team. Writing is more than fun. It’s the funnest. How that for the grammarians.

Gene, I didn’t intend to take so long to get back to you. Writing in a way that makes the reader have to read just one more page is a perfect goal to strive for. We don’t want them stopping. Yes, we understand that they have lives, but if they have to be pulled away, that means they’re locked into the fiction. Look down the comments list for a few suggestions on your earlier text.

Gene, how does this work for you? Buck believed America was a pretty damn good place to live. The U.S. Constitution guaranteed that. He believed most people came here for that reason only. Some people—not just the rich—came to America for another reason. To bleed the red, white and blue for all it was worth. He sat in his home office, programming at his computer, making enhancements to his tracking system. Music blasted through the speakers, his kind of music. It had been another typical week for Buck—twelve-to-fifteen-hour days. But this time around it was for America, not the man. Lee Greenwood’s iconic song had his juices flowing. “I’m proud too, Lee.” Buck, finally done with the corporate bullshit, had retired. No more asshole bosses who hired their even bigger asshole kids. There he was, papa’s proud whatever, Mr. Vice President of just-show-the-****-up-to-work. The back-stabbing and the cry-baby demands? Yeah, Buck had retired from that bullshit too. Buck joined Lee, holding the long note near the end of the song far longer than Lee did and then laughing when he could finally catch his breath. A special report flashing on the TV caught Buck’s attention. Look at them, he thought, seeking any law that can benefit their cause. They exploit it, twist it and use creative interpretation to push their own agenda to bleed America dry. They spit on Old Glory, stomp on her, then burn her. And why, because they can? “Damn,” Buck said to the TV. “They fight against the very rights we fought to defend.” Stupid pr***s. Fighting against, weakening, the rights that made America the land of the free. Lynyrd Skynyrd was now rocking on the system, singing about working hard and paying taxes. Buck muted the TV. Buck had been raised to work hard, to do and contribute. His dad hadn’t been a slacker, and he wouldn’t allow any of his kids to slack off, to live off others. Buck had no respect for people who took and never gave. Of course, he hated traitors even worse. “Buck, you here?” He swiveled to see Roy standing in the doorway. “Hey, didn’t hear you come in. Got the music blasting.” “I got a couple of things I’m working on,” Roy said. “I want to add them to the system, see how it looks.” “Knock yourself out.” Roy Singh was Buck’s partner, best friend and Swami. Hell, he was a genius and had three pussy PhDs to prove it. “What are your plans?” Roy asked. “I was thinking of swinging by Sarge’s. Have a few beers, complain a little and blow off some steam. Micky’s up in White Plains, pushing his new novel, The Saratoga Project. I want to see him too. He gave me a couple of people to look into, and I want Sarge to drive.” He turned down the final chorus of “Red, White and Blue.” Micky was his mentor. Buck had met him on an IT security project in Purchase, NY, several years ago. They worked together, played golf and were constant dinner and drinking companions. Micky gave more than half his life to America, he was legit, and he got the whole God and country thing. He’d put five years in with the Navy and another twenty with the Air Force and was still involved. And he’d parlayed his security and auditing background into a successful career as a mega-millionaire author of political thrillers. The American dream writ large. “Hey, Roy, I’m out of here.” Buck shoved away from his desk, timing his words and his exit to Skynyrd’s final chords. Get the hell out indeed.
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A few general notes— Lee Greenwood, not Bruce (who’s an actor) Unless you got permission to use lyrics, you can’t quote them in books. There are some exceptions (public domain songs and not-for-profit scholarly books), but for the most part, steer clear of using someone else’s words, especially poems or song lyrics. Much of the song’s value is contained in a single line and writers don’t get to tap into someone else’s work to bolster their own. Use allusions to the song if you need to bring it to the reader’s mind, or mention the title. But keep in mind that readers don’t always have the same reactions to songs that you do. You may be introducing an element that doesn’t fit your intentions, but one you have no control over. Was is a workhorse word, but you’ve used it 18 times in this little snippet. Cut some uses and substitute more specific verbs for others. That will strengthen images and the feel of the passage. Try the more common order of Buck said rather than said Buck. It gives a story a more contemporary feel. I cut some words, changed some around, made some punctuation changes. I may have missed on the intent of some phrases, since I don’t know the story, but I hope this gives you some ideas.

Beth, many thanks. I was watching a movie with Bruce Greenwood in it, and without thinking put Bruce instead of Lee. The who said, said who, always got me. It’s automatic to write, he said, she said. I don’t know why I reverse it when using a name. Would you advise changing it for every ‘said’ tag. It’s probably a good exercise, for doing a full edit of my book anyway. Thank you on the ‘was’ also. It will make me think more, when writing. I sent letters to all the agents, whom I use songs, connected to their artists. They answered back within hours with a form to fill out. That’s when you never hear back from them. I like how you did it, and it makes sense. Be creative and stay away from problems. Thank you for showing me how to give the story impact. I noticed there were no spaces after the em-dash. I have the Chicago MOS, by my side and looked it up. I have some cleanup, on that too. I read somewhere, and didn’t mark it at the time, of a list of words, novice writers should watch for. Meaning there multiple usage. Do you know what I’m talking about. If so, I hope there is a list of alternates. I can’t say enough about your blog. Thanks!

I had another thought. You know, when we first learned how to drive, our parents taught us the pass the driving test. Then–they taught us how to stay alive.
We write a MS to pass the test. Then what, someone makes it look good. They and fonts maybe. They do different paragraph spacing, etc. I looked back over the edit you did for me. I like the way it looks. Certain lines are double spaced to separate a paragraph. Like the, “I’m proud too, Lee.” But we’re not allowed to do that in a MS, can we do it after?
Also, I had reworked the first chapter. When I decided to move my prologue to chapter 12, I realized there was information that had to be told sooner. So I moved it while I was waiting to hear from you. I wasn’t expecting, what you did for me. I combine it all and rewrote it. I think I have something now. YOU ARE THE BEST.

Gene, you wouldn’t have to change all said he to he said, but I’d recommend changing most. There are all sorts of books and articles that talk about words to use or not use, but I’m not sure which you’re referring to. I’d check the Internet, see if you can’t find a couple of good lists. As for format, there is a standard manuscript format, with first lines indented and no line spaces between paragraphs, so my presentation for your text wouldn’t be the way you’d format a ms. for submission. But the format I used is much easier on the eyes for online readers. Besides, it’s near impossible to indent with blog posts and comments. I’m glad to have been of help. One other change you might consider is removing some instances of Buck’s name. He doesn’t need to be named so many times in those opening paragraphs.

Supposing you are writing 1st person narrative and your pov character relates what another character is thinking? How would you punctuate that? For example: I didn’t move or say a word, knowing the cop was thinking, Just give me an excuse, please, and I’ll gladly rid this world of your worthless punk ass. Would you use a comma just before the thought quote? Capitalize the first letter of the thought, as I did here? Use italics for the thought? Thanks.

James, I would suggest using italics for this. The comma is good, as is the capital J. Or you could add the word what and use a colon or dash to introduce the cop’s supposed thought— I didn’t move or say a word, knowing what the cop was thinking: Just give me an excuse . . . You could italicize or not in this case; the colon or dash should serve as a strong enough indicator that this is the thought of another character, so italics are not required, though you may want to use them. Just be consistent with your choice. Thanks for the question; it’s one that needed to be addressed. And it points out the fluidity of our options; there’s a lot that isn’t set in stone, and a writer can create different effects and a personal style with his choices.

Hi,
I would just like to ask about the dialogue of a machine or computer.
In my writing I have written: My name and photo appear as a robotic female voice says access granted. Do I need to use italics or commas or speech marks anywhere in the last bit of the sentence ?
If you could help me that would be great!!
Thanks

Tasha, typically you’d use quotation marks, just as for normal speech. Yet if you want to highlight that it’s not human speech, you could italicize; that would be a style decision. Will the computer talk a lot? Is she a character? If so, quotation marks might be your best option. They are the least confusing option. So, yes, if you are actually quoting what the computer says, you will want formatting to make the quoted text stand out. My name and photo appear as a robotic female voice says, “Access granted.” My name and photo appear as a robotic female voice reports access granted. You wouldn’t need quotation marks or italics if you wrote—My name and photo appear as a robotic female voice tells me access is granted. Quotation marks for spoken speech is the best choice. But you do have options.

This was a very useful guide for me, thanks very much, now I feel happy entering a flash fiction competition.